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Taking Stock

Posted by nebula0 on October 30, 2008

I can’t remember the exact date that I gave up my Mormon faith for good.  I’m not good at that stuff.  What I do know is that it’s sometime a month or two from now.  So I am reflecting on where to go from here (see the previous post) and what I have learned from my experiences so far.  It’s harder than I thought it would be.  The thing is, I have more baggage from my trip through Mormonism than I wanted to admit to myself.  I harbored some ill feeling about Mormonism and figured I really hadn’t gained much from it.  Have I?  I’m sure I have and don’t even really know.  It forced me to be more social than I otherwise would have.  I met my spouse through being a Mormon, and nothing will take that away.  I got to practice giving speeches.  But what about in a spiritual sort of way?

What I gained most from Mormonism was, and is, a lense through which to focus my spiritual and intellectual curiosity in matters of faith.  I’ve learned the importance of intellect, not just the emotions, when it comes to embracing God- if the intellect isn’t on board, neither is the will, not really. I’ve learned that if I am to really, totally, and with my whole will intellect and otherwise embrace God and a way of approaching him, I am to be thoughtful, I am to be slow, I am not to be pressured.  I didn’t want to admit it, but I allowed myself to be led into Mormonism through eager missionaries and ‘friends’ who abandoned me as soon as my head hit the waters (see my previous posts about why I became a Mormon to see the sort of split mind I developed).  It’s human nature to want to belong to a group, it’s human nature to be excited by new things. I  want to be authentic in my spirituality and know that a group and new things will be a part of that, but they cannot be allowed to direct my path.

So I move forward, slow and steady.  One thing that I have noticed is that my opinion of Mormonism becomes more and more like that of a never-Mormon outsider, someone who can acknowledge the ‘odd’ aspects, the positive aspects, the negative aspects, without personal entanglement.  I suppose that is the strongest sign of my ex-Mormonhood.  I feel no longing, and neither revulsion, for things Mormon.


One Response to “Taking Stock”

  1. thurifer said

    Mormon moments…

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